(438 King’s Rd, Chelsea, London,SW10 0LJ http://www.medlarrestaurant.co.uk)

Starter:

Chris:

Firstly we where greeted by a very friendly front of house who showed us to a lovely table outside. We ordered a glass of champagne to start and had a piece of fabulously fresh bread that we smothered in salted butter. My fellow snob asked the waitress to suggest a chalky, minerally white wine that wasn’t going to break the bank. My wallet has only just recovered from the Waterside Inn! She produced a fantastic bottle of 2014 Riesling Trocken Porphyr, Siefersheim, Wagner Stempel which was beautiful.

The Foie gras was cooked to perfection, smooth and creamy with a beautifully seared top that was sweet and delicate. Yes I know foie gras is not PC but its legal and is to be fair bloody delicious so that’s my justification, to hell with the haters. Paired with the puree, toast and ice salad it was really just fantastic.

Main course:

Chris:

The duck was cooked perfectly and tasted of how duck should taste! but but the meat itself was a little tough. Now I’m not saying it was bad because it was not, perhaps if they would of sous vide the breast before finishing it in a pan it might of been a little more tender. The confit leg was personally a little dry and could of benefited with a little more fat being retained in the meat to make it moist. The best thing on this plate was that divine garlic bulb, it melted in your mouth and for only a second I was care free! After finishing the whole bulb I had the breath of a 1000 dragons and felt sorry for my neighbor who at this point was reduced to a smoking corpse.

7/10

Dessert:

Chris:

At this point I was pretty inebriated, life was good the sun was shinning. My fellow snob choose to opt for the cheese board which we failed to take a picture of. After eating most of his I can say with confidence that it was very very tasty. Now on to my pudding! 

The sponge was fantastic and soggy in a good way because it had all the flavor of apricot and was full of syrup that was just fantastic and sweet. The honey and olive dressing was an odd one and I didn’t really think the two went well together, but this could just be my personal preference. Roasted apricot well where do I start… FANTASTIC it was simple and just bloody marvelous.

I personally hate creme fraiche and think it should be banned immediately. Anyone clamming its ” nice and fresh” probably needs mental assessment. The ice cream was OK but given my personal hatred I cant comment.

8/10

Summary

(3 West Street, Marlow, Bucks, SL7 2LS https://www.thecoachmarlow.co.uk)

First dish:

Chris:

This dish smells amazing! Beautifully crispy and golden. The shellfish bisque had a wonderful depth of flavour and complimented the Pollock perfectly. Inside was a quails egg with a golden and runny yolk that gave a lovely richness to the overall taste when combined with the bisque.

My only criticism would be to put a little more seasoning with the Pollock as it was a little bland and could do with a little salt.

7/10

First dish:

Wojtek:

For the first time in almost 20 years I have finally tasted the proper flavour of mushrooms! Truly fantastic. Creamy and delicious with shavings of exceptionally good quality Parmesan that really set this dish on fire.

9/ 10

Second dish:

Chris:

This has honestly got to be one of the most delicious things that I have ever tried before! The sweetness of the maple and the earthiness of the celeriac really work well together. Perfectly cooked with a slightly charred outside which just gives it that taste of BBQ. I can see this being a great hit on a BBQ in the summer washed down with 5 bottles of a fantastic pinot gris.

8/10

Wojtek:

When this dish arrived we were greeted with the beautiful aroma of oranges, so much so we thought it was coming from the other table. In actual fact it was from my own dish! I can only attribute this to the garnish of shredded carrots. The crispy pigs head was presented beautifully in the form of a breaded scotch egg, the interior was filled with delicious shredded pork. The garnish was a very crispy pork crackling stick and a perfectly cooked quails egg which made this dish complete. Perfect culinary skills combined with fresh ingredients makes for a flawless dish, perfection.

Third dish:

Chris:

The Quail looked fantastic and smelt wonderful until you took a mouthful, the taste of the blue cheese just demolished the beautiful and delicate flavour of the quail, such a shame as the bird was cooked superbly. On our other reviews we are always very harsh when it comes to bad food, but on this occasion we shall forgive them because the other dishes had been fantastic.

I would say less of the cheese, in fact do the dish a favour and get rid of it completely.

4/10

Wojtek:

On first taste average, but as I progressed through the dish the taste of wild garlic was beginning to wave its magic wand on this delicious piece of meat. The beef combined with the savoy cabbage and wild garlic really shows off the skill of the chef and there ability to combine flavours together, this comfortably made it a 9/10, very pleasantly surprised.

Chips:

Chris:

Holy lord these where just amazing! Seriously worth a mention. These little peices of fluffy/crispy heaven are some sort of wonder food. I hate chunky chips normally but these just blew my mind. Possibly the best chips I have ever had, More addictive then cocaine and would highly recommend.

10/10

Wojtek:

I believe these chips must be triple cooked because the taste was exceptional and the flavour to die for. Even the two posh lady’s next to us couldn’t stop stuffing there faces with them. Substituting there main meals for salad just so they could eat these amazing pieces of root vegetable.

10/10

Final dish:

Chris:

Firstly I would like to thank the chef for creating such a wonderful pudding. The custard was so tasty and the little pieces of salted oats where fantastic. I love anything salted, I just think it brings out all the flavour in any food. It really was a great pudding. The only thing I would say is that the thyme leaves where not needed, this herb is such a powerhouse of flavour and I feel that even in small quantities you have to be careful with how much you put on or in a dish.

8/10

Wojtek:

I chose a classic sticky toffee pudding seeing as I hadn’t had this dish for a while. My main reason for withholding on this classic is that I’ve found it a little sweet in the past. After having the delicious main meals I though I’d give this particular dessert on the menu a chance. Hurrah I was not disappointed, fantastic balance of flavours with ice cream and a caramel honeycomb and most importantly not too sweet. Thoroughly enjoyed it!

8/10

Wojtek & Chris (cocktail)

Chris:

Before I paid the bill I held the restaurant to ransom and demanded the details of this drink because it can only be described as the best Old fashioned I HAVE EVER TRIED. The secret being smoked bacon fat washed bourbon whisky. I have now made this myself at home and I think it is something that you should all try and pass on to your children as this drink can never be forgotten.

Wojtek :

This old fashioned cocktail with bacon fat was out of this planet truly amazing and worth trying. 10/10

Summary:

Chris:

Fantastic! The service was brilliant and attentive and the food was just as good. I personally preferred my fellow hungry snobs menu choice but mine was still excellent.

After eating at the Waterside Inn and leaving feeling thoroughly robbed of my money and dignity this was a kind relief.  Hats of to the team and would recommend anyone to go and visit at any time. It has a walk in policy so you cant book which can be annoying so get in there quick!

Wojtek:

Well well well eat your heart out water side inn Alan Roux come and get some lessons from some truly passionate chefs that serve at this restaurant. For me this was a perfect Monday evening out. With out a moments hesitation I would strip Waterside Inn of its 3  stars and award  2 to this place. It’s difficult to find good restaurants these days as you can tell by our reviews, but without a moments hesitation I would recommended this establishment to anyone. At the end of the day its the taste of the food that really matters. well done Coach Inn no doubt I will be seeing you soon.

(The Waterside Inn,Ferry Road, Bray, Berkshire SL6 2AT https://www.waterside-inn.co.uk/contact_us/)

First course:

Chris:

Myself being a hungry snob obviously loves the taste of lobster! Regrettably this lobster resembled more car tyre then delicious crustacean. Don’t be fooled by the size of the caviar on this plate it was tiny. The Greek decorative jelly/what actually is it was rather pointless and didn’t have a place on the dish. 4/10

Wojtek:

I was looking forward to this diner, after all this is meant to be a renowned 3 Michelin star establishment. After a long debate with my colleague we decided to go for the tasting menu as it is meant to be a true representation of what the restaurant can produce.

OMG what a disappointment, rubbery and tasteless chunks what was meant to be lobster. Garnished with tasteless fuck knows what!

Seriously I have had more enjoyment from a tin of spam. 1\10

Second course:

Chris:

Well after the first course I was ready for a second disappointment, but let me tell you it was far from it. This has got to be one of the most delicious things I’ve ever tried in my life. The flavour was amazing and the little pieces of foie gras literally melted in your mouth. Truly sensational, things where looking up but don’t hold your breath. 9/10

Wojtek:

I was still recovering from the initial shock of the first dish when this bowl of brown looking substance landed on the table.

First spoonful and yes!!! This is what fine dining is all about, a burst of fantastic  flavour and combination 9\10

Third course:

Chris:

Let’s be honest whenever you see the word meunière you feel a certain sense of French pride take over you. But in reality it’s just browned butter and is fairly simple to do!

Turbot being the king of all all fish should be cooked with love and passion, this unfortunately had none of that. It was bland and rather boring, the grape emulation could of cemented Han Solo. The sauce did nothing for this humble sea creature. 5/10

Wojtek:

Unfortunately this dish had brought me back to earth and made me realise that I was again dealing with a chef with no passion for cooking and that he cant be bothered to taste the food coming out of his kitchen. I will not go into detail of the flavour because there wasn’t any. The fish wasn’t fresh resulting in the dish being bland. The choice of garnish was purely for decorative purposes.

great shame 2\10

Fourth course:

Chris:

Another ingredient that oozes fine dinning expense and decadence, the fillet steak. Renowned for its tenderness and light flavour! In a 3* Michelin restaurant it has to be amazing correct?

WRONG the fillet was tough to the point where we had to leave some and it was such a shame, even my teeth were sweating! Everything else on my plate was nicely cooked, good but not amazing. I understand that you can’t get it perfect every time but really here of all places.

6/10

Wojtek:

A slap in the face for Scottish farmers ,this joker had just served me a piece of Angus beef fillet with connective tissue and veins  in 3 star Michelin restaurant!!!!! What is even more insulting was that non of his staff even bothered to ask what was wrong with my dish when I left almost much all of  it untouched, now I’m fuming and Chris is trying to calm me down. 0\10

Fifth course:

Chris:

This dessert reminded me of the chocolate baubles my mother bought last Christmas. In fact if I was blindfolded I would of probably said they where! Mousse was ok and light but again wasn’t the dessert of a lifetime and to me seemed unimaginative. The pearl barley ice cream had a slight popcorn taste but was pleasant.

Wojtek:

I believe they purchased this desert ready made from an inferior source.

By now all that was on my mind is how to close this place down.

Last course:

Chris:

This final dessert was so light and fluffy it was a joke. The only problem for me was it didn’t have that wow factor and full flavour that I was looking for. Don’t get me wrong there was flavour there but mainly of the icing sugar and a subtle hint of apricot. I want a show stopping pudding that’s going to be amazing and unforgettable, this pudding was unforgettable and exited my mind within 4 seconds of finishing it. 4/10

Wojtek:

This was the final nail in the coffin for me.

Their food lacked any flavour, I strongly believe this is due to use of inferior ingredients which is shocking and unacceptable in any respectable establishment.

Summary:

Chris:

When you visit a place such as this you want to be blown away by something you’ve never tried before and experience food at its finest. The only thing that blew me away was the bill! After many short breaths and heart palpitations I parted with my money. The service was amazing but I was annoyed that when our steaks where taken away unfinished that no one even asked as to what was wrong with them!

Finally Alan Roux came to our table after service (a nice touch) and we then proceeded to tell him about our steaks. The look on his face was if we had slapped his mother, the comment went down like a pork chop in a synagogue. The table next to us also passed on the same feedback, you can imagine the hell that was about to be broke loose in the kitchen. The table opposite was then gifted with some sort of voucher whilst we was greeted with a Toyota Prius Uber! At least Dick Turpin wore a mask.

Wojtek:

I’m starting to get massively disappointed with the whole Michelin star award scheme, I strongly believe that this scheme is so unfair to many other deserving restaurants. You can’t rely on the judgement at all which is a great shame, this restaurant proves my point perfectly.

It was a very uneventful evening with incredibly average food with mediocre staff and cooked by a chef with no passion left in him. I’m sure in France they would of pitch forked him to death for this travesty.

(55 Princes Gate, South Kensington, London, SW7 2PN)

A quick brief about the evening before we start:

After reading the itinerary above on the email we received we where very much looking forward to a cultured evening of history and classic renaissance cuisine. You would of thought the theatrical performances would be something to do with polish heritage or the evening we was about to embark on….. WRONG. On arrival we where handed a rather vile cocktail that got whipped out my hand by a sudden gust of wind, even the gods didn’t like it.

We where then told that the actors would be amongst us through out the meal and to please go into the ballroom. The first contact we had was with a gentleman in a suit who said welcome to my wedding, please introduce yourself to my wife and I hope you have a nice time.

To cut a long story short throughout the evening there was various best man speeches and god awful jokes that really had no relevance to what was going on at all! Like the fellow opposite said “I’m stuck between reality and fiction” or as Wojtek put it (insert polish accent) “no no we are stuck between a terrible theatre performance and god awful food”.

Let the review commence.

Starter:

Chris:

Sweet baby Jesus this was bad like really bad. If you can imagine a tin of fishy spam then you’ve nailed it. Freezing cold and revolting! I mean just come on. They probably gave this to them poor inmates in Russian gulags, by the look on everyone’s faces I was not alone!

This was served with a shot of honey and horseradish vodka. This must of come out of Chernobyl’s rector number 4 because you could strip the face off your neighbour at 1000 yards.

Soup course:

Chris:

Firstly apologies for not getting the full picture as the soup had not been poured at this point because it took rather a long time to get to the plate. Plus I was now 7 glasses of white down and rather inebriated.

Finally brown beer smelling weak gravy was then poured into the bowl submersing the egg yolk and ginger bread. On first tasting it seemed ok, but then the burst of a sweetened egg yolk really sent this soup into the depths of hell. I’m not a fan of beer gravy and I very rarely leave food on a plate but this time I couldn’t bring myself to finish it, dreadful.

Warm starter:

Chris:

If any of you have ever tried Pierogi you would know that it is truly delicious, regrettably this was not. The pastry was flavourless and the filling had the consistency of cardboard, I think you would of got more flavour from the tablecloth it sat on. Only a trained paramedic would of been able to get this dish back to life.

Main course:

Chris:

Finally something that was edible. The goose was cooked as well as goose can be and the apple sauce was very pleasant. My only criticism was that the goose meat was very very chewy so much so that my teeth where sweating.

Dessert:

Chris:

Looks can be deceiving and believe me they where. The filling was not bad at all, surprisingly rather tasty, but unfortunately the outer casing was harder then Wolverines Adamantium. With a good throw I reckon they could do some extensive damage! I felt sorry for the old boy next to me as he tucked into his log of titanium as I thought his jaw would defiantly dislocate.

Summary:

Chris:

You would have to pay me to eat this food again, granted they where trying to recreate food from a period in history and I’m sure they did everything by the book and followed the recipes of old. But as far as I’m concerned they can stay in the renaissance. The company on the table was hilarious and I did have a fantastic night not from the food but possibly the endless wine and reactions on people’s faces.

High St, Bray SL6 2AB : hindsheadbray.com apologies for the menu it was pouring with rain!

Starter:

Chris:

Started this starter off by finishing a truly delicious Negroni the choice of champions. The Salad on this dish was truly superb, fresh and crispy. The soft boiled Quails egg was perfect, soft egg yolk with a slight sprinkling of salt! Then the duck ham … not brilliant, you couldn’t get the true flavor of the duck because of the tomatoes they seemed to overpower the ham. However the truffle mayonnaise was brilliant I love truffle and would recommend it on everything and anything.

6.5/10

Starter:

Wojtek:

The Scotch egg tasted very pleasant, it had crispy skin which retained all the meat juices under it, the quails egg was still runny however the pea and ham soup was lacking flavour especially seeing as the ingredients used fresh pea.

6.5\10

Main

Chris:

Here we go with the main course after a good start I was hoping for the best. The Cévennes onions where cooked to perfection not stringy and not overcooked just right and beautifully sweet, they complimented the brown bread royale perfectly. The marmite emulsion was OK not great not amazing just OK. We all know that its a strong flavor that you either love or hate! you couldn’t really taste the marmite and as a lover of that black devil spread I would of liked it to be a bit stronger.

5/10

Main:

Wojtek:

Presented well and the plate looked good unfortunately it failed to deliver in a spectacular way, lets start with the roast potato’s, lovely golden colour shame they where as hard as rocks and eating them reminded me of the character Rockbiter from the 1984 movie the never ending story. The Yorkshire pudding was almost as bland as the Polish waitress serving it and the sirloin although cooked nicely it failed to produce much flavour. Over all very disappointing. I have had much better roasts from the Crown carvery for less than £10.

3/10

Dessert:

Chris:

Millionaires Shortbread in a word average. Greggs honestly do a better one! Don’t get me wrong it was not bad, but the dark chocolate top and Rizla thin caramel layer was just not up to scratch. The chocolate wine was more of a sorbet and tasted like someone had frozen a cheap Merlot with some chocolate essence thrown in. When had together they didn’t go well at all, the dark chocolate was overpowering and the red wine sorbet was an odd mix when combined together.

At £9.50 it felt like Heston had personally pulled my pants down. At least Dick Turpin wore a mask!

5/10

Dessert:

Wojtek:

Good consistency lots of cinnamon flavor punching through, sour apple balancing flavor, solid desert unfortunately not enough to redeemed themselves.

5/10

Summary:

Chris:

Do I think that this Pub should have a Michelin star ….no, well at least not yet. They need to offer more to the dinning experience if your going to charge nearly £30.00 a main course. Granted its a “pub” but there should still be an element of fine dinning when you go to places like this. The service was great but you left feeling like you’ve been overcharged for something you could of got from a good country pub. Overall all rating 7/10. Go if your passing by but nothing to make a trip out of.

Wojtek:

I wonder how on gods earth this pub manage to bag a Micheline star? My theory is that before the tasting and scoring commenced the food critics loaded themselves with very good cocktails! Oddly this place managed to produce a fantastic Bloody Mary. The critics must of been too intoxicated to taste anything and in a hungover induced amnesia gave this place star.

Find yourself a good country pub and enjoy it. Save yourself a pretty penny in the process as the prices here bought a tear to my eye.

Don”t waste your fuel getting to this place !!!!!

4\10

(152-154 Hills Rd, Cambridge CB2 8PB  restaurantalimentum.co.uk   01223 413000)

Appetizer:

Chris:

Where to start? Well if the rest of the meal was to go on the taste of this FANTASTIC gazpacho then we where in for a real treat. Really delicious and had so much flavor, the horseradish really came through and the crushed ice on top gave it a really nice mouth feel.

Wojtek:

By pure chance I find myself in this establishment, as it was about a million degrees outside I thought a cold beer would be a good start. I’m not a great lover of lager so an IPA was my choice, Hornbridge is the brewery and JAIPUR is the name. This small glass of grapefruit deliciousness left a lasting impression as we sat down to some perfect sourdough bread with some seaweed butter. I didn’t think too much of this butter but the bread was fantastic, the Gazpacho was bursting with flavour and just perfect. I think I’m in for a treat.

Start;

Chris:

When the plate arrived to the table it not only looked fantastic it smelt amazing too! The taste of the Quail was beautiful, juicy slightly pink and seasoned to perfection. The Thai tea sauce was also a strange pairing but worked really well bringing out all of the flavors when combined on the fork. If the truth be known I had no idea what the white triangles where but I can only imagine its an Illuminati conspiracy. My only complaint was that evolution didn’t make these birds the size of turkeys because they would be a Christmas sensation.

Starter:

Wojtek:

Finally a passionate individual in the kitchen, this small dish represents all that fine dining is about, perfect balance of flavour and texture, fresh and delicious mixture of langoustine and crab beautifully complemented with delicate avocado served with a wafer thin biscuit  masterpiece!

Main course:

Chris:

After a very nice chat with a member of staff our main courses arrived. This wonderfully plated dish smelt amazing and I couldn’t wait to get stuck into this one! The stone bass was so light and well cooked not to mention the skin that was just cooked to perfection. The red peppers where soft and melted in your mouth and really where delicious when combined with the bass.

Saffron can be an acquired taste as is many expensive ingredients but this just set the dish on fire bringing together all the ingredients and showed the true skill of the chefs in the kitchen.

Main course:

Wojtek:

I’m great fan of ravioli, there  take on this timless clasic did not disapoint. Creamy delicious filling wrapped in perfectly cooked pasta case. Vegetables cooked to perfection, tender and crunchy. The miso giving this dish a unique twist simply perfection. When eating this dish I was suddenly overcome with anger, all I wanted to do was go back to the last restaurant and punch the cook for serving such nonsense.

Palate cleanser:

Chris:

Now this was something out of this world. I took one bite and after flying around the galaxy for a short while I felt like Zeus himself was hand feeding me. The depth and freshness of flavor was mind blowing for such a small dish. After a few moments of inaudible muttering I came back to the room and realised that I had just tasted something magical. The elderflower was delicate and sharp and cut through the sweetness of the prosecco like a “hattori hanzo blade” if someone done Pai Mei’s 5 point palm exploding heart trick on me I would of died a happy man.

Wojtek:

It never fails to suprice me how good a chef can turn a few simple ingredients into somthing so mind blowing, endless burst of flavour in every spoonful.

Dessert:

Chris:

A real tear-jerker as this was the final dish and I was already looking out the window as hello darkness my old friend was playing in the background. The creaminess of the panna cotta was just divine not to mention the coffee sponge that accompanied it. Then there was the small charred pieces of orange that bough a burst of flavour to really balance the sweetness and richness of this fantastic dessert.

Dessert:

Wojtek:

Perfect finish to a great evening. Light mascarpone on a crunchy biscuit served with a sorbet a very clever combination. Unlike a traditional cheese cake this was very light with the lemon sorbet constantly cutting through the sweetness. This fantastic experience coupled with fantastic cup of coffee and selection of jelly and chocolate made our final leg of the journey a joy.

Summary:

Chris:

I would just like to say a big thank you to all the staff at this restaurant. The service you really can’t fault and if this restaurant doesn’t get its Michelin star back the worlds gone mad!  10/10 on everything. Very hard to find faults at all! The bar and the atmosphere was brilliant.

I would 100% recommend to anyone who is passing. Really made my week and now I’m feeling slightly depressed whilst writing this eating a tin of Heinz tomato soup. Oh the fall from grace… I’ll be back.

Wojtek:

Art of fine dining for me is leaving your customers wanting more as soon as they leave and in this aspect Alimentum succeeded, I have been fortunate enough to sample a few michelin star restaurants and I can honestly say this restaurant can not only compete but put to shame a number of them. Impeccable staff, great ambience and above all fantastic food.